John S. Hatcher

DEATH BY JOY is a daring work, a documentary that really could not have emerged from just any artist or from the observation of just an ordinary family, however ostensibly unspectacular the circumstances of this family and this community of friends might seem in the beginning.

From the first scene we are startled from any usual expectations we might have had as we observe two sisters lovingly but methodically preparing the body of their deceased mother. They wash her hair, her body, rub the skin with scented oil, and wrap the body of their beloved mother in a white shroud. They lift her into the casket and as a final part of this wordless process, they sprinkle rosewater over her remains.

There seems something odd or unexpected in this. Yes, they are respectful and careful, but in such circumstances we might expect a flood of tears, shrieks of regret and pain. But there is none of that, and we very much want to know why. Why is it that these loving sisters and not some professionals inured to the affect of this task are preparing the body? Even more to the point, how can they be so resolved, so at peace with a process that for most ordinary Western families would be a gruesome or, perhaps, an unthinkable task?

The remainder of this artful documentary, so wonderfully edited into a narrative about Mary’s rapid journey from prognoses to demise, lets us know why these dutiful daughters are able to go about their somber charge with love and contentment.  Scene by scene, as the several weeks of Mary’s decline from an inoperable brain tumor is depicted, the special bonds are revealed that unite this family with each other and with the network of friends who form a community of love, caring, and nurture.

The interdependence between Mary and her friends and family is stunning because we sense from the beginning that those who share her declining days and hours receive quite as much as they give, that in her agreeing to let her dying become a work of art, that she is totally reconciled to death as a preparation for her transition to a more expansive stage of her existence. As the title forewarns, Mary is joyful.

Her jokes and quips are not a performance for us. Clearly she is untroubled by her circumstance and eager to share the bounty of this special period of preparing, reflection, and waiting. Friends and family come and go in a parade of celebrations of this life that has had such a profound influence on the lives of others. As she has taught them by the example of her living, so now will she instruct them with her dying.

The climax of this work, as Mary alternately parties, laughs, reminisces, and shares her glimpses of the “other side” in this entrancing sequence of scenes, is not her passing, which becomes all too predictably. Rather the jolting turn of events, the lynchpin for all else we are witnessing, is Mary’s even-toned rehearsal of her gut-wrenching childhood of unthinkable abuse by her father, macabre events that might be missed by an inattentive observer.

Suddenly we understand so much. We now get her earlier allusion to her fear of going alone in the forest and other similar aversions, fears that otherwise would seem to belie the candor, calm and certitude with which this courageous soul faces what might be for many the most terrifying of events, her own death.

But Mary is joyful, accepting of her fate, and from resignation, not because of a desire to leave this world of injustice and debasement, but because of the strength of her conviction that even as she has forged inviolable bonds of love with family and friends in this plane of existence, so too will she become empowered in the realm of the spirit where injustice does not dwell and where love is the motive force of reality.

Finally, there is the art that forms the backdrop and, in a very important sense, the unifying force in this work. Her husband helps compose music in her honor. A friend constructs a painting to capture the indomitable spirit of this woman. Mary herself articulates images of light and color that portend for her the unveiling of reality, an insight given palpable glee in her own words and in the honoring of her life that this film commemorates.

But this is in some sense no ordinary assemblage of people. This is a Bahá’í community united by the bond of shared convictions, a faith in God and in spiritual reality, and a certitude that the fear of death and non-existence are needless illusions. We are struck most powerfully by the fact that these same people, including Mary herself, could be any of us in any community, were we, too, affiliated in recognition of such a hopeful vision of reality and by hearts attuned to what it means to be human.

Abdu'l-Missagh Ghadirian

This is an astonishing film which I think will set a precedent for the future on how to perceive and appreciate death.

Eve Abrams

DEATH BY JOY carries an important message for abuse and trauma survivors: “You too can heal.” This is never said, but it is shown by the genuine happiness visible in Mary’s face as she meets the challenge of leave-taking with good humour, tranquility and grace, surrounded by family and friends—who are not only there to keep Mary company, but also to bathe in the inspiring joy she emanates. About halfway through the film, it is revealed that Mary was a sexual and ritual abuse survivor. We are surprised, because of the warm and loving family life she has managed to create for herself. We witness her indomitable strength, as well as how the love she has been able to give comes back to her manifold on her last journey.

Neda

Last night I drank in a truly warm beautiful documentary film called DEATH BY JOY. It was a deeply personal, spiritual and humorous journey of a very loving woman dying of cancer, at home, in the last few weeks of her life. It seemed as if she, together with, and surrounded by, treasured family and friends, were able to experience this journey in a very human, joyful, non frightening, often mystical and yes, emotional way. I don’t feel that I’ve been able to give you an adequate sense of the wonder of this film or the beautiful woman involved. It really needs to be seen, to be experienced; to be seen so as to get the feel of it rather than listen to someone try to speak it. I sense that you’ll never be afraid of death again.

Holly Pruett

DEATH BY JOY opens viewers' eyes and hearts to the possibility of death as we so rarely experience it today: death that is not feared but embraced for the deep healing, wild creativity, and engaged community it invites. The film offers an invaluable tool to foster awareness and discussion, creating a sense of hope and even redemption among those who have experienced joyless deaths.

Jen Trulson

DEATH BY JOY was warm, real, and wonderful. Nothing seemed to be off limits and they allowed humor to be good medicine. I thoroughly enjoyed it and it confirmed we can want and have a happy death, one filled with joy along with death.

Paula Wild

I watched DEATH BY JOY last night. It is an incredible work–I laughed and cried throughout. I especially enjoyed the cinematography (the scenes flowed together beautifully), the music, and the visual imagery and Mary talking about the stream of souls floating separately, yet all being attached. And what a powerful opening!

Mary and her family were very brave to document her death like this. I was so impressed with her doctor, everyone should have a such a caring healthcare practitioner!

DEATH BY JOY is an exceptional film. It certainly made me see dying in a different light—both as a person observing others dying and someday facing my own demise.

Diane Goble

DEATH BY JOY is a deeply moving film about family, love, courage, friendship and definitely joy. It's not about death, it's about real life and being there for those we love as we escort them to the threshold and beyond. Much gratitude to her family for allowing her journey to be filmed and for sharing it with the world.

Caroline Mackay

I was very moved to witness the tenderness of such an intimate and personal account of the process of this escorted journey towards the realm of light. It is all too rare to have the family's unified and willing participation, the natural expressions of love, sorrow, humour and delight, and the artistic sensibilities all together in one film.

Once we understand that there are many dimensions of death to be experienced and amazed at, it seems to take on less of a dark and grief-stricken tone, one we can imagine having endless possibilities—of thought and feeling, of spiritual energy and grace.

Lisa Greig

I had the opportunity to view a screening of the film DEATH BY JOY in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. I will start by saying it was an absolute privilege to be a part of the intimate and attentive audience that took time out of their lives to immerse themselves in a film about dying. This film provided a narrative to what a 'good death' truly means. Jim Cribb’s ability to make the audience feel a part of each moment must be recognized. In 84 minutes I felt not only a part of Mary’s life, but also her death. By the end of this film, not only was I inspired to make the most of my own life, but whatever fears I had about my own mortality, dissipated. A wholehearted thank you for Mary and family for allowing us to go on this journey with her and to Jim, for capturing life’s most vulnerable and powerful moments.

Lisa Olsen

How to capture what cannot be contained and convey the freedom of spirit that Mary attained when she chose to release her hold on the pain of her past, which allowed it to release its hold on her. Mary’s turning toward the world to come, throughout her life and at its close, turned her back forevermore on the illusionary limitations of her own worth and revealed the beauty of her own soul, pure, radiant and whole. Her earthly journey wound through the darkest night, but its blackness could not extinguish her light, could not suppress her strength of will to emulate a Love Divine, a Love reflected by the shining souls surrounding her, united as one to mirror the Love of heaven on earth. Mary gives us glimpses of that Reality, leaving us with a longing to be in Its presence always and believing this is possible when we choose each day, as that Love teaches, to let our hearts burn with loving-kindness for all who may cross our path, a kindness that Mary embodied, a kindness that burns still and forever in service to all creation, immortalized in DEATH BY JOY.

Carole Anne and Anton Floyd

Mary was a very dear friend. In fact, for a number of years when we lived in Limassol in Cyprus, our two familes lived as one. There were some natural affinities which brought us together, amongst them were our common beliefs and the fact that our children were at more or less the same stages in life. There was also a common interest in the Arts. These affinities very soon translated into many successful creative collaborations in a range of projects – musical theatre mostly. As you can imagine this all led to close daily contact. In fact we became, in time, near neighbours and after that our families were practically inseparable. Looking back at that period in our young lives when every experience, full of highs and lows (there were times when it seemed that our livelihoods were at stake), was lived so intensely, Mary nurtured us with her wonderful generosity of spirit. Hers was an extraordinary and practical gift of hope. To be honest there were moments when we could wonder at her confounded optimism especially when it seemed there was nothing to justify it but those moments of doubt were always shortlived. In reality we all loved her for it.

Fortune changed our circumstances and although we were separated by the Atlantic, with Alex and Mary back in Canada, while we had moved to West Cork in Ireland, the bonds that tied our two families together were never severed. If anything they were strengthened. When we learned of Mary’s diagnosis, we were devastated. But when we spoke on the phone and there were many long and earnest calls, she carefully and deftly transformed our deep, incipient griefs into a calm and loving acceptance. Mary had managed to work her magic on us and at a time when the end of her own very life had become an inevitability.

Emily Dickinson’s poem, “Hope is the thing with feathers,” immediately springs to mind when we remember Mary. We are so grateful to Jim and Andrea for this film, DEATH BY JOY, and to Mary and Alex, Miranda and Meleyna for allowing Jim to make it. The film manages, for us, to substantiate the theme of Dickinson’s poem. It conveys with unflinching candour the complex and inspiring nature of our dear friend and spiritual sister. In her life she had known the terrors of the abyss and yet she, with great courage, chose always to be blythe spirited. All who knew Mary in life were moved by her unconditional compassion. The film now makes it possible for more people to experience through her death, Mary’s extraordinary gift of hope which she offers to posterity with such characteristic generosity.

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune without the words,

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm

That could abash the little bird

That kept so many warm.

I’ve heard it in the chillest land,

And on the strangest sea;

Yet, never, in extremity,

It asked a crumb of me.

(Emily Dickinson, “Hope” from POEMS:
Second Series (1891), I. LIFE)

Vivian

Appreciate deeply all that was shared; the honesty, clarity, love, flow, and depth of conversations.

Palliative Care and Hospice

Several of us attended your session at the Provincial Palliative Care Conference in Winnipeg in September. We were amazed, sad, empathetic, joyful and privileged to be at your presentation.

JoAnn Beavington, Coordinator of Volunteers

As a retired officer with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police—one who has seen lots of death—and now a Hospice volunteer, I found DEATH BY JOY to be a true look at the whole process of dying. It portrays the process but more importantly the personal challenges that are involved by both the dying and the ones left behind. This should be in every Hospice training material across the world as it puts a face on death that is inviting and soothing.

Dale Martel

Your film, DEATH BY JOY, about Mary's story was inspiring. I wish it could be seen by everyone, including and perhaps especially by young people; an attitude like Mary's (and others who do not turn away) will serve a person well: priorities based on love and our fellows, an attitude of non-clinging, of taking joy in whatever is actually happening rather than complaining and wishing for something else. I imagine that with good palliative care and a good attitude, death could be accepted and dare I say, along with a better life, enjoyed by all. Thank you so much, my wife (also a hospice worker) and I highly recommend your film to any and all.

Jan FL Janzen

Several staff members and I recently had the pleasure of watching the movie DEATH BY JOY. Most were not sure what to expect and arrived with the idea that this would be a movie focusing on the clinical issues that often become the focus of our care near the end of life. The quiet and stillness of the room while the movie was playing was a sign to me that staff had been drawn in and were watching something that was opening new thoughts for them. This was not what they had expected. As an educator it always warms my heart when I know that people leave an educational session with a new vision that will take them down a different path with their work on the units. I believe they left with more courage to try something new and look for the opportunities to stretch themselves professionally while opening up the lines of communication with the residents and their families. There were no expressions of “We can’t do that” but rather “Why can’t we do that?” It is my hope that it took some of the fear out of caring for those who are dying.

Dacia Reid, BEd, BN, RN Clinical Nurse Educator

Thank you a thousand times for that movie [DEATH BY JOY,] . . . I am over the moon as to how it could revolutionize what and how people think about death . . . so often we tell people there is no right or wrong way and this shows us this. I would love to see this shown at every care unit and to all staff.

Wendy Margetts, Social Worker

Conferences

Transforms the way you think death or dying needs to be.

A film everyone should see.

I found this absolutely amazing and I personally will look at things differently. I learnt some valuable lessons that I will promise myself to carry forward.

Life changing.

This could not have come at a better time as I’m bringing my Mom home to pass away on Saturday. She is palliative with a week to go.

Presentation was great.

Thank you so much for this experience.

What a wonderful portrayal of a wonderful life.

So happy I was able to experience this.

This was powerful.

Amazing lady and family to share their journey.

Very courageous and loving to witness their experience.

Absolutely moving!

Very inspiring.

I hope I have the courage to die that way!

Excellent presentation.

It is nice to see accommodations can be made for a person to be able to die at home with family and friends to visit and be supportive.

What a moving documentary, life changing really.

Thank you to Mary and her family for this beautiful video about living life to the very end.

It was a privilege.

What a wonderful work of Mary’s life!

Such a precious and living film.

A difficult movie – portrayed beautifully.

My goal would be to emulate Mary and her life and joy in death.

What a courageous woman she was. So was the family.

Jim Cribb was an excellent presenter.

Very touching.

Amazing learning here!

So honest and respectful.

Who knew we had a choice?

Loved it.

Perspective was wonderful.

Excellent!

I was very moved.

A work of art.

Wow!

Very moving!

A privilege to have seen this film.

Thank you for this opportunity.

Beyond excellent.

Test Screening

I felt honoured to be welcomed into their home at such a private time in their lives.

Mary had such a positive attitude and a zest for life. She left this world with acceptance, peace, and love. I am humbled.

I loved her daughters, their honesty, love, and admiration for their mom. What a tribute.

I feel less afraid of dying, more able to embrace it and make more choices.

My heart opened as I remembered so much about my husband’s death.

The release Mary felt from her childhood trauma was absolutely beautiful.

The humour was engaging throughout.

I was profoundly moved by sharing the experience of the film. I feel that what is portrayed is the way that death should be approached.

This is the approach to dying that we need to have in our culture, dying as a shared social and spiritual occurrence.

After watching the film I now feel that dying does not need to be an unhappy journey.

A remarkable first-person account of going through the journey.

Beautiful scenes of Mary’s visions of souls.

A loving caring experience.

Sensitive and powerful.

A powerful experience – haunting, difficult to watch at times, but ultimately rewarding and healing.

A good reminder that death can be a joyous thing that can be mastered positively.

It had all the ingredients: emotional, motivational, and uplifting.

The film reminded me how I want to live and taught me much about how I want to die.